Sh-sh-sha! Big Tex Ordnance Brings You Tactical Pocket Sand: The Ultimate Rusty Shackleford Approved Self-Defense Tool
Listen up, I tell you hwat! Big Tex Ordnance, the world leader in Tactical Pocket Sand, has just revolutionized the self-defense game. Forget your propane and propane accessories, because this is the only tool you need when things get propane-and-propane-accessory-shaped in a hurry.
Harvested from the finest sand pits this side of Arlen, Texas (okay, maybe it’s just from Ike’s backyard), our Tactical Pocket Sand is guaranteed to leave your attackers blinder than Hank Hill at a charcoal convention. It’s so effective, we had to get Dale Gribble himself to sign off on it – under his alias Rusty Shackleford, of course.
Now available in a variety of tactically advantageous colors, including “Mall Ninja Black” for those late-night Mega Lo Mart raids, and “Pumpkin Spice” for when you need to blend in at your local Starbucks while maintaining peak operator status. We’ve even got a “Special Snowflake” edition for millennials who need a safe space in their pocket at all times.
But wait, there’s more! Our limited edition “100% AMERICAN MADE IN THE USA RED WHITE AND BLUE” Tactical Pocket Sand comes with a free bald eagle screech with every throw. It’s so patriotic, it makes Uncle Sam look like a communist.
Remember, Tactical Pocket Sand isn’t just for self-defense. It’s perfect for escaping awkward conversations about narrow urethas, creating impromptu dust storms to cover your tracks, or even seasoning your burgers when you run out of mesquite.
WARNING: Not legal for sale in California, Chicago, Washington DC, New York, Vermont, or Ohio. It’s banned in Europe and contains materials known to the State of California to cause birth defects, reproductive harm, and an inexplicable desire to mow your lawn.
So head on down to Big Tex Ordnance and pick up your Tactical Pocket Sand today. Because when the shit hits the fan, you don’t want to be caught with your pants down and your pockets empty. Sh-sh-sha!
